Hurleysgivingpocalytageddon 2012: The Postman

Well, we’ve made it to that point in the evening where I’m pretty sauced, and getting more tired by the minute. So this one’s gonna be short and sweet…

…unlike this movie, which was awesome, but entirely too fucking long.

I remember liking this movie a lot when it came out, and not understanding the hate that seemed to surround it. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen it since. So, nearly 15 years removed, I still like it a hell of a lot. However, it is three goddamn hours long. Which is pretty ridiculous. The movie has two first acts. What the hell?

Still and all, it’s a pretty good flick. Also, Kevin Costner is pretty much the man.

4 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2012: Warrior of the Lost World

Remember a couple hours ago when I said that Solarbabies strung together a lot of classic post-apocalyptic sci-fi tropes in a pretty fun way? This movie is pretty much the opposite of that.

In classic 80s VHS fashion, nothing in the movie looks nearly as good as this box art.

I think the main problem this movie has is a lack of discernible plot. This stems from the fact that there’s no connecting tissue between the scenes. No one ever discusses why they’re going to the next place their going, or how they’ll get there, or why they’ve completely changed their costumes. They’re just there, and something ridiculous happens. It’s like someone said, “I’ve got some vaguely interesting action sequences, but that’s about it.” Then, someone else said, “Close enough. Let’s just call it a script and start shooting.”

The movie also suffers from some absolutely terrible sound effects, and some of the most lifelessly dubbed lines I’ve ever heard. The main character has almost no emotion in any of his dialogue, which I’m pretty sure is completely ADRed through the whole movie. This makes a little sense, because the movie was originally made and distributed in Italy, but The Rider (That’s all he’s ever called) is very obviously speaking English. Was the original soundtrack just not available anymore? Why the hell did they re-dub every single one of his lines?

The only redeeming thing in this movie is Donald Pleasence, who makes an appearance as the main bad guy wearing one of his old Blofeld outfits. I was shocked that he never pulled out a cat to start stroking menacingly.

Oh, there’s also a talking motorcycle with the most annoying voice ever.

Terrible, just terrible. Still pretty fun though.

2 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2012: Solarbabies

Netflix Instant had a pretty rough, choppy transfer of this movie. The whole thing looked like that half-stop-motiony-slow-mo effect they used in 80s music videos. It was annoying, but I suffered through it for the sake of the greatest holiday of the year.

This foreign poster is way, WAY cooler than the American ones I found.

So… There’s a corporation that controls the world’s water supplies. They also run a series of orphanages, to indoctrinate future generations to take over the work of the “Protectorate”. Apparently, part of this indoctrination includes playing “skateball”, which is kind of like basketball, played with lacrosse sticks, while wearing roller skates. One of the skateball teams, the Solarbabies, finds a magical orb thing that seems to grant wishes. Of course, something bad happens, and the orb gets stolen.

Then, there’s this guy and his pet owl. Yeah, he skates too. He’s pretty much nine kinds of awesome.

After the kids escape from the orphanage (You didn’t think they were gonna stay, did you?) and go on a quest to find the stolen magical orb thinger. They’re trying to get the orb back, and the protectorate is trying to get them back. It’s a pretty standard and predictable plot, but it’s pretty well done. Also, there are some great visuals along the way. Once their travels start, they do a pretty classic run through of different crazy desert tribes. Every time they find a new place to stay, the Protectorate catches up with them, and they have to run again. At one point, they find the standard guys-that-make-armor-and-stuff-from-old-tires-tribe. These guys have taken the concept to 11 though, and their entire city seems to be made of tires. Seriously, there are thirty foot tall smoke stacks that are just giant stacks of tires. It’s crazy. This leads to the worst escape plan I’ve ever seen as each of the Solarbabies hide inside giant tractor tires, and roll themselves down a hill. They’re wearing roller skates the whole time, by the way.

I really enjoyed this one. It’s a great combination of all of the standard post-apocalyptic tropes I love, and the teen team action flicks that the late 80s seemed to be full of.

4 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2012: The Road

I was warned that this movie was depressing as hell, and it pretty much was. I was more worried about the ending being the worst part, but the last few moments are actually pretty uplifting.

These posters accurately portray the color pallet of the movie.

I rented this movie, so I didn’t have the box, which meant I didn’t realize that there was an amazing supporting cast until they popped up on screen. Not just the people on the cover either. Garret Dillahunt and Michael Kenneth Williams both steal the show when they show up as well. Every actor in this flick really nailed it.

I was also amazed by the scope of some the shots. The story of this movie is very small, it’s about a boy and his father, and that’s it. The huge sweeping burned out landscapes really pushed home the breadth of the devastation. They also looked gorgeous.

Seriously. Look at that. That’s crazy awesome.

The Road was pretty much great. While it’s intense, and super-heavy emotionally, I really, REALLY enjoyed it.

5 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2012: Predator

It’s time to get this day started. That means breakfast and Predator.

A great start to a great day. If this isn’t the breakfast of champions, I don’t know what the hell is.


I reviewed this movie last year. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, with one of the most insane, gratuitous action sequences ever. Don’t believe me? Watch this 5 minutes of insanity (with kind of terrible audio):

The whole movie is pretty much that amazing. If you don’t have time to watch the whole movie today, just watch this rap video that does a pretty awesome job of summing up the whole thing.

5 out of 5 (obviously)

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon: A Primer

I was going to write an explanation of my personal Turkey Day tradition, but then I realized that I did the same thing last year. So, here’s a nice little copy/paste of that post to make sure everyone understands the lunacy I’ll be putting myself through tomorrow.

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I don’t know how all of you celebrate Thanksgiving (although, I invite you to tell me down in the comments), but I drink all day and watch movies. I mostly watch post-apocalyptic sci-fi, but I start my day off every year with the classic sci-fi-action masterpiece Predator.

Predator?

Now, a little back story. I was at a convention, Wizard World Chicago probably, talking with the awesome Jason Latour, when the subject of holiday movies came up. We talked about Die Hard, and it’s place as the consumate manliest Christmas movie of course, and then he brought up Thanksgiving. Until that time, I’d never really thought of any movie as being a “Thanksgiving” movie. That’s when Latour learned me a little something.

Die Hard : Christmas :: Predator : Thanksgiving

“These are the rules,” he told me, “we don’t make ‘em, we just follow ‘em.” Since then, I’ve watched Predator every year on Turkey Day, ’cause them’s the rules.

Post-Apocalyptic Sci-Fi?

A few years ago, I picked up a DVD set I’d been look for for some time, “Post Apocalyptic Triple Feature“. It’s an awesome set that features three movies I remember renting from the video store as a kid, that pretty directly led to post-apocalyptic sci-fi being my absolute favorite movie sub genre. That year, Thanksgiving rolled around, I was off of work, and had nothing to do. So, I decided to sit my ass down and marathon through all three flicks.

Every year since, I’ve tried my hardest to make time to marathon through as many post-apocalyptic flicks as possible. I’ve always just called it my Post-Apocalyptic Thanksgiving. This year, however, my good buddy Kevin Mellon came up with Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon, which I’ve now decided is the only applicable name for my special celebration.

Booze?

It’s a fucking holiday, of course there’s alcohol.

There you go folks, a little explanation of the Fall tradition that is Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon!

Movie Review: Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies

Oh, The Asylum, how do I love thee. You’ve seen reviews here for 2-Headed Shark Attack, and 2012: Zombie Apocalypse, in fact, I’ve only reviewed movies from The Asylum since my return earlier this year. It’s no coincidence, they’re kind of my current obsession. I’ve actually watched quite a few of their movies recently that I didn’t write reviews for. However, that’s not the case with Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies. This is a movie that deserves a review. Despite being another in The Asylum’s long line of mock busters, it’s pretty dang good.

I’m pretty much a huge Abe Lincoln fan. In fact, several years ago, I made a mini-comic that featured him. Dude was a professional wrestler before he became President. That’s pretty bad ass. With that in mind, it’s easy to see why I was all in for this movie as soon as I heard about it.

This movie, like the amazing 2-Headed Shark Attack, is exactly what the title says it is. Lincoln personally leads an elite team of new Secret Service agents to recapture a fort that has been taken over by Rebel zombies. Boom. That’s a movie. This movie also does a great job of adding some pretty great character moments, and mixing in other historical characters along the way. However, those other historical characters, while a fun addition, are pretty inaccurately portrayed.

Teddy Roosevelt, age 6 – Pat Garrett, age 14

That’s a pretty minor problem in a movie that’s obviously not going for historical accuracy though. It’s also far overshadowed by the fact that Lincoln has his own personal switchblade style scythe, which he apparently keeps in a white house closet just in case he needs that shit for a zombie outbreak. Seriously.

I really, really enjoyed this flick, and while it had some problems, it was still hella fun. Oh yeah, the ending is pretty damn clever too.

4 out of 5

Buy your own copy of “Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies” from Amazon!