Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2013: Oblivion

Each year, I like to watch one fairly recent movie. I missed Oblivion in the theater, and since then, I’ve actually avoided watching it. I really wanted it to be part of my holiday festivities. It features all sorts of sci-fi tropes that are all sorts of up my alley. (Spoiler alerts, I guess)

Desert wastelands, crazy scavenging wasteland wanderers, genetic memories, and intergalactic wars ahead!

Desert wastelands, crazy scavenging wasteland wanderers,  genetic memories, intergalactic wars, and a destroyed moon. Oh! Hells! Yes!

I had probably 90% of the “twist” called about 10 minutes into this flick. Seriously, flashbacks of memories that aren’t yours? You’re a clone, bro. Generic boss  that you only see on vid screens? That’s a computer program, bro. Sorry, bro, but your life is a lie.

On the plus side, you get to fly around in this nifty ship.

On the plus side, you get to fly around in this nifty ship.

Despite that predictability, and the huge coincidence that allows the plot to move into the third act, I really enjoyed this movie. Plus, Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman makes everything better.

4 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2012: The Blood of Heroes

I’ve been looking forward to watching this movie for a long time, and it did not disappoint.

Also starring Delroy Lindo, and a Vincent D’Onofrio so young, he still used his middle name.

I first heard about this movie from my buddy, Clint. Clint’s big into Amtgard (Click the link, it’s like the foam sword game they played in Role Models, but it’s far more involved, and pretty dang cool.). This is relevant, because at big Amtgard events, they actually play, Juggernaut, the game from this movie. They call it Jugging though. Seriously. Here’s the rules. So, as soon as he told me this, I went out and bought the movie. Then, I took it over to a party at a friend’s house. We never did watch it though, and I left it there, and forgot about for close to a year.

However, the coming of the glory of Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon reminded me of my desire to see this flick. So, I went and got it from Josh and Tony’s house, and finally gave it a watch. The DVD I have has pretty terrible quality audio and video, but, as with the other future sport movie I watched today, it was well worth suffering through. The pacing of the movie was a little weird, and it kind of just meandered through it’s incredibly long second act, but damn was it fun. The matches are brutal, and everything that’s set up is paid off. This was a quality flick, and I kind of can’t wait to make it to an Amtgard event to watch a live game of Jugging.

4 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalytageddon 2012: The Postman

Well, we’ve made it to that point in the evening where I’m pretty sauced, and getting more tired by the minute. So this one’s gonna be short and sweet…

…unlike this movie, which was awesome, but entirely too fucking long.

I remember liking this movie a lot when it came out, and not understanding the hate that seemed to surround it. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen it since. So, nearly 15 years removed, I still like it a hell of a lot. However, it is three goddamn hours long. Which is pretty ridiculous. The movie has two first acts. What the hell?

Still and all, it’s a pretty good flick. Also, Kevin Costner is pretty much the man.

4 out of 5

Hurleysgivingpocalyptageddon 2012: Solarbabies

Netflix Instant had a pretty rough, choppy transfer of this movie. The whole thing looked like that half-stop-motiony-slow-mo effect they used in 80s music videos. It was annoying, but I suffered through it for the sake of the greatest holiday of the year.

This foreign poster is way, WAY cooler than the American ones I found.

So… There’s a corporation that controls the world’s water supplies. They also run a series of orphanages, to indoctrinate future generations to take over the work of the “Protectorate”. Apparently, part of this indoctrination includes playing “skateball”, which is kind of like basketball, played with lacrosse sticks, while wearing roller skates. One of the skateball teams, the Solarbabies, finds a magical orb thing that seems to grant wishes. Of course, something bad happens, and the orb gets stolen.

Then, there’s this guy and his pet owl. Yeah, he skates too. He’s pretty much nine kinds of awesome.

After the kids escape from the orphanage (You didn’t think they were gonna stay, did you?) and go on a quest to find the stolen magical orb thinger. They’re trying to get the orb back, and the protectorate is trying to get them back. It’s a pretty standard and predictable plot, but it’s pretty well done. Also, there are some great visuals along the way. Once their travels start, they do a pretty classic run through of different crazy desert tribes. Every time they find a new place to stay, the Protectorate catches up with them, and they have to run again. At one point, they find the standard guys-that-make-armor-and-stuff-from-old-tires-tribe. These guys have taken the concept to 11 though, and their entire city seems to be made of tires. Seriously, there are thirty foot tall smoke stacks that are just giant stacks of tires. It’s crazy. This leads to the worst escape plan I’ve ever seen as each of the Solarbabies hide inside giant tractor tires, and roll themselves down a hill. They’re wearing roller skates the whole time, by the way.

I really enjoyed this one. It’s a great combination of all of the standard post-apocalyptic tropes I love, and the teen team action flicks that the late 80s seemed to be full of.

4 out of 5

Movie Review: 2-Headed Shark Attack

You guys, I was so excited to see this movie, and it was everything I’d hoped it would be.

This movie is exactly what you’d expect it to be, which is exactly why it was flippin’ awesome.

I’ve become a huge fan of the films put out by The Asylum. I haven’t seen a ton of them so far, but I plan on plugging through their back catalog in the near future. They make movies that are unapologetic about what they are, which is essentially modern grindhouse cinema. Their movies are made to appeal to a certain demographic in a lowest common denominator way, and do so without pulling any punches. 2-Headed Shark Attack is a great example of this.

I honestly don’t know what else to tell you. The movie is called 2-Headed Shark Attack. If you hear the title and think, “That sounds awesome”, then you’ll dig this movie. Period.

4 out of 5

Get yourself a copy of “2-Headed Shark Attack” from Amazon!